The Wolfman...now with 50% more boring!

I suppose I could end my review right there. Just tell you not to see this poorly written, aimlessly directed, plot-hole ridden, waste of talent, and you’d ultimately get the message. It’s a bad movie. Not the worst I’ve ever seen, not by a long shot (that honor goes to Naked Lunch, and I’d probably include 2009’s The Box at this point.) But it’s really quite...quite bad.

I’m going to try to write this up without spoilers, but let it be known that I will discuss aspects of the movie in general, some of which will be tied to plot, so stop reading now if you don’t want this crap-fest ruined in advance.

From the moment I saw the first preview for this new reboot of the Lon Chaney classic I was excited to get to a theatre and check it out. The previews indicated a great sense of art-direction with a really atmospheric movie, the effects looked to be awesome (the scene with Del Toro strapped to the chair while morphing into the Wolfman in particular stood out), and I thought the rest of the cast looked really strong. I mean, come on, it’s Sir Anthony Hopkins right?? How can you go wrong?! Damn you previews, and damn the marketing teams that come up with previews this enticing for movies this lame.

I’d read some of the reviews floating around the interwebs so I knew going into it that it wasn’t going to be great, but I hadn’t been adequately prepared for just how lame it was ultimately going to end up being.

First the good, the movie does look really great. It’s really atmospheric and dark, almost mono-chromatic with saturate grays, blues, blacks, browns. The settings are all fun to look at, and there’s some good period costume work going on as well I suppose, though it’s nothing too stellar. As for the next good.....well.....um.....yeah, that’s about all I got actually. How disappointing is that?

Let’s talk plot. You already know that Benicio del Toro is the Wolfman so nothing is spoiled there. But the plot surrounding how he becomes the Wolfman, his apparent history of mental illness, and all of the rest of the events of the film are a complete and utter mess. Nothing is really explained, characters that are somewhat pivotal (Hugo Weaving - Mr. Smith from the Matrix trilogy) are given a cursory shading of background information, and apparently crucial historical events are handled through incoherent flashbacks that barely tie together in any discernible way that makes sense. Imagine taking a decent book, throwing it into a blender, hitting puree for 2 minutes, and then pulling out the pieces and taping about 1/3 of them back together. Yeah, that’s the plot.

Performances? Well I’m a fan of basically everyone in the cast so I figured they’d redeem the film on some level. They come from a good body of work. Sir Anthony Hopkins, Benicio del Toro, and Hugo Weaving all come from a strong body of work with some excellent character work in their past. As my friend Andrew said, “Maybe it was a directorial choice to have every performer think about doing their laundry, or what they were going to have for lunch, while reciting their lines.” I don’t think I can put it any better. Not a single person in this film seems remotely interested in telling the story that’s being told. They all just seem.....bored.

Pacing is the final huge issue (I’ll give the cheesy dialog a pass for this review.) The whole movie has the tempo of a runaway freight train. It’s hard to understand how something that’s moving so ridiculously fast from one plot point to the next, from one setting to the next, can be so bland. Apparently, in England, they don’t have full moons like you and I do, on some sort of regular lunar cycle, instead they have a full moon every 2 or 3 days. You could see how that would be problematic when a Werewolf is on the prowl, right? Also, some people apparently can only walk across the full length of the English countryside as conventional means of travel (horse, train) are unavailable to them, while others can hop a train no problem. The weird thing about this? The person walking and the person on the train arrive at the same location at the exact same time!!! Explanation? Someone? Anyone?

Ok, I’m almost done. One last thing, and yes, this is a definite spoiler, so quit now if you don’t want the final 20 minutes of the film ruined. (The final 20 minutes that my friend Andrew and I simply spent laughing out loud while pointing at the screen.)

SPOILER BELOW!!!

The movie went from just lame to outright bad when, in what would be the final fight, Werewolf Anthony Hopkins jumps back from the wounded Werewolf Benicio del Toro in a fit of rage and...you guessed it...rips off his shirt Hulk Hogan style revealing his old, grey werewolf fur before getting his ass handed to him by his young pup of a son Benicio. Yeah, that did it.

All I could think about was what that day of filming must have been like on set.

“Yes Sir anthony, I know you’re a legendary actor, and that you’ve been in some amazing movies, and are immortalized as Hannibal Lecter forever. Now, would you mind putting on this old man werewolf suit and tearing your shirt off for us, please?”

Ugh. Skip it.